I haven’t known exactly how to explain my current condition. Honestly, I still don’t. It’s hard to face some realities. I wanted so badly to prove the naysayers wrong. I wanted so badly to meet the expectations of well wishers. I wanted so badly to be the success story. So many people have prayed fervently for me. (Hundreds? Thousands?) I wanted to see the answer. But God chooses how and when. It’s not up to me to declare the end result. And I’m not mad at Him. My faith is stronger than ever.
I’m not exactly a success story but I won’t accept anything close to a failure either. Let’s start with the tremendous positives that came out of my two stem cell treatments: I no longer have nerve pain! If you have never experienced it, it’s terribly hard to explain and consider yourself very lucky. Imagine wearing super tight pantyhose filled with sharp gravel. I am also experiencing significantly less numbness in my legs. Those are two valuable victories.
But the focus is so heavy on my mobility. That is the measure of how well I’m doing. That’s what people see. Sadly, my mobility has not improved. In fact, it’s becoming more of a challenge to simply move around. I continue to work at it but I am not getting any stronger and that’s discouraging.
Discouraging is such an awful word though. I wish I wouldn’t use it. The truth is that it is relieving to accept my limitations. It’s a relief to accept that a big change may not come quickly for me. So I’ve had to put this “disease” into perspective and rethink my journey. Thanks to my nutritionist and my wonderful primary care doctor, I’m working on getting the virus (because that’s what they believe) out of my system and hopefully be able to function better.
In the meantime, you may see me in a wheelchair. But don’t look sadly upon me and say, “Oh no, it didn’t work!” Just say, “Nice try! Keep at it!” Or just smile big and open the door for me.
