Thank you and goodbye, please.

Surgery was done August 28. My body is very busy with that area healing the incision and, more deeply, healing the initial cavitation. I do expect to feel better and better as the weeks go on. I am, however, extremely weak. Trying to move an atrophied muscle is hard work! I’ve got a mountain before me. There my Goliath stands. At times I’m motivated and inspired, other times I’m discouraged and afraid.

I was watching home movies with my son and I noticed a profound difference in me 5-6 years ago. My challenges had not progressed to a fearful point yet. I could still walk with a cane and my hands didn’t shake. I wasn’t as sick and I could see such a difference in myself! I was happier. Since my challenges have become more severe, fear and worry have moved into my heart. That comes from the dark side of this fallen world and is not the truth.  I think dealing with that dread is yet another facet of coping with my challenge and honing my character. It is a huge challenge, indeed! Carrying that gunk within me affects how I treat those I love and that makes me sad. I’m not proud of that.

I’m facing that first step towards healing. I need to rid my heart of fear and worry. I am in God’s hands. That’s the only way to get through that first step. There is no other way that a human can thrive. I believe that strength has to come solely from trust in God.

This includes making peace with the journey thus far. By that, I mean looking at my challenge and accepting where I’m at. I’m listing the blessings of my condition and ignoring the curses:

·         I was able to go on disability when I got pregnant and have been home with my son since day one. I may not be able to do all the active things I’d like with him but I’m with him. That is a priceless gift and I’m so thankful.

·         My struggles have deepened my faith in Jesus Christ. I have grown so much spiritually. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that Paul asked to be healed and God said, “’My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” That’s easier said than done but I’m closer to that than I was 5-6 years ago.

·         Finally, since they've had to deal with me all their lives, I hope I have given my kids the gift of confident independence and empathy.

I’m so thankful for those things. I certainly don’t live gratefully 100% of the time but, at the end of the day, I know that I’m thankful and I’m done. Now it’s time to move on and get better.