Still hope, Still faith

The delay of a fresh blog is not due to discouraging progression this time. Pure procrastination. That’s it.

I was ready to order myself a Craftsmatic bed and call it a day. I had given up. There was not much fight left in me. I couldn’t imagine going somewhere on my own. I wasn’t strong enough. The procedure I had on my mouth did its job. I felt an initial boost of energy once my mouth healed. People could see a huge difference just by speaking to me.  That energy got me moving again. I’m working with my physical therapist, a Pilates instructor friend, walking at the pool and I’m walking on my walker more. It’s not easy; I hate it, but know it’s vital. The more I sit in my dumb scooter, the more my body withers.

Since the mouth surgery, I’m no longer nauseous with a headache every evening. I’m fatigued but it’s not nearly what it once was. Victory.

Slow progress but there is a glimmer of hope. I’m still not out and about too much but at least it’s not out of the question.

The first video (pre-surgery) shows the severity of my hand tremors. Those tremors have not changed. The second video (post-surgery) shows me walking up the stairs on a good day. (The face slam at the end is a joke so please don’t report domestic abuse.) The stairs are still so hard. Maybe it takes a long time for muscle to repair and grow? I’m not sure. I have faith that if I keep getting up them, I’ll get better and better at it. I admit, however, I hitch a piggyback ride every other night.

The purpose of these videos is to show anyone reading this the level of disability I’m challenged with. Maybe someone reading this is in the same boat – or an even better place – and I can encourage you. Life is not over. We truly have nothing to complain about.

I’ve said it before on this blog and will say it again… My faith has been deeply strengthened by the challenge I deal with. For that I’m grateful. If this shows even one person out there that I believe God is truly good and makes all things work together for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), then it has been worth the fight. And I will continue to fight and let His glory shine through me however possible.

Thank you and goodbye, please.

Surgery was done August 28. My body is very busy with that area healing the incision and, more deeply, healing the initial cavitation. I do expect to feel better and better as the weeks go on. I am, however, extremely weak. Trying to move an atrophied muscle is hard work! I’ve got a mountain before me. There my Goliath stands. At times I’m motivated and inspired, other times I’m discouraged and afraid.

I was watching home movies with my son and I noticed a profound difference in me 5-6 years ago. My challenges had not progressed to a fearful point yet. I could still walk with a cane and my hands didn’t shake. I wasn’t as sick and I could see such a difference in myself! I was happier. Since my challenges have become more severe, fear and worry have moved into my heart. That comes from the dark side of this fallen world and is not the truth.  I think dealing with that dread is yet another facet of coping with my challenge and honing my character. It is a huge challenge, indeed! Carrying that gunk within me affects how I treat those I love and that makes me sad. I’m not proud of that.

I’m facing that first step towards healing. I need to rid my heart of fear and worry. I am in God’s hands. That’s the only way to get through that first step. There is no other way that a human can thrive. I believe that strength has to come solely from trust in God.

This includes making peace with the journey thus far. By that, I mean looking at my challenge and accepting where I’m at. I’m listing the blessings of my condition and ignoring the curses:

·         I was able to go on disability when I got pregnant and have been home with my son since day one. I may not be able to do all the active things I’d like with him but I’m with him. That is a priceless gift and I’m so thankful.

·         My struggles have deepened my faith in Jesus Christ. I have grown so much spiritually. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that Paul asked to be healed and God said, “’My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” That’s easier said than done but I’m closer to that than I was 5-6 years ago.

·         Finally, since they've had to deal with me all their lives, I hope I have given my kids the gift of confident independence and empathy.

I’m so thankful for those things. I certainly don’t live gratefully 100% of the time but, at the end of the day, I know that I’m thankful and I’m done. Now it’s time to move on and get better.