The Documenting Begins.

I wrote this journal to document for myself how I feel before the treatment. I honestly didn't write it to share on the blog. But I've promised to keep this blog updated through this entire process so I'm sharing it. As we get closer, we will post videos of before and after the treatment to demonstrate how well it works. Watch what happens...

May 19, 2010

I don’t ever want to forget how I feel right now. I’ve said it before, “I’ve never been this bad.” And yet I seem to say that quite a bit. Now I’m worse than I ever thought I’d be. I’m worse than I was one month ago! What does that mean? I know someday this will just be a memory and I don’t want to forget how bad it was. I can’t get a deep breath into my lungs which is very uncomfortable. My ankles are tight and numb. I’m so exhausted, I can’t sit up and do anything at all. I dread the feeling of having to go to the bathroom. That means I have to drag my heavy, weak body up and get it somewhere else. My left leg droops behind. My arms burn from straining to hold myself up on my walker. I can’t stand upright for more than 1 second. I’m so tired that I feel nauseous. I’m so uncomfortable with my legs half numb and sore and stiff but I can’t bring myself to sit up and stretch. I want to give up until we go to Tijuana then I expect my life to change.

I’m going to be healthier than I’ve ever been in my life. I will consume alcohol, caffeine, and sugar ONLY in severe moderation. I will continue juicing and eating as many fresh vegetables as I can. I will cut down on dairy. I will exercise every day. I will do yoga, I will get to the gym. I will rebuild the lost muscle. The flesh just hangs off of my bones.
I will paint again. But first and foremost, more than anything else, I will help others. I will volunteer more. So often, I have to say “no”. Not much longer…

June 13, 2010

Only 2 more weeks. This just went through my head and I don’t want to forget it:
When I am tired and in pain, it affects my mood and how I treat my family. I hate that. I know that when I have some relief, my mood will change. I can’t imagine how happy I’ll be.
Yet even in this pain and exhaustion, I still find great joy in my life. More and more, I’m getting to know the God who loves me. I have a great church, a great house, a great dog, a great community and great friends. I have a phenomenal husband who loves me madly. I have a step-son who makes me laugh and I love his company. And I have Reagan. Sweet sweet Reagan.
So much joy already! Imagine how that will overflow when the relief comes!!

The heat has hurt. A lot. It has knocked me (almost) over. It has made me change my plans. All of my energy is gone.

I have had to take muscle relaxers every night in order to sleep. They also relieve the morning pain and stiffness. I wish I could “clean my body” before I go but I don’t think I have it in me. I’m going to do my best. This is so worth it.
 

June 14, 2010

Sweet Bill Garrison and his daughter Jean prayed for me tonight over the phone. He so graciously referenced scripture. He talked about, “this wonderful mother and her son” He talked about how God promises to take care of us and if we ask, He will listen. He brought me to tears on the phone. I know, as sure as I have ever felt, that God is at work within me. I know that I am in store for a miracle. There is no doubt that He is with me and this is the answer to my prayer. I am overwhelmed by His promise.
The heat is an obstacle for me right now. I’m having to change plans and cancel things. I’ve never felt so limited by this. I’m thankful that I can recognize my limitations right now but I feel terrible because we are missing out on things. Reagan loses because we can’t finish his Jumpstart class. But there are still many things to be grateful for. I’ve done a lot. Now it’s okay to just wait two weeks.

June 16, 2010

I have given up trying. I know that relief is in sight so I don’t feel like I have to try anymore. The symptoms have been so bad lately that all I want to do is sit still. My sister-in-law told me that it's okay. She reminded me that I've worked so hard at living when things were challenging. It's okay to stop trying so hard. However, since it’s worse than ever, I feel more selfish than ever. The pain and fatigue cause me to mistreat my family.

I depend on two people the most – my sweet husband and step-son. Unfortunately, when they have needs, I don’t have anything left to give them. It’s hard for me to have sympathy for anyone else. It’s not fair. But I promise I’ll make up for it.