Recently, I started to lose hope. I thought I was nearing the end of the hope roller coaster ride I had been on for so long now. Hopes up for the next new treatment, hopes down when it didn’t perform miracles, hopes up for the next one, hopes down, and so on. Looking at my situation realistically, I saw that I was worse than I was a year ago, a year ago I was worse than I was 5 years ago, and 5 years ago I was worse than I was when I was diagnosed in 1997. So I finally faced the reality that I was slowly getting worse. Nothing I’d done so far had dramatically made a difference or turned my situation around. Sure, I had had some good days resulting from some efforts I’d made but it wasn’t enough to make a profound difference in my overall condition.
So perhaps I should just stop trying and accept the inevitable. A new doctor confirmed my diagnosis of Primary Progressive MS which is the worst kind. I made an appointment with Wheelchair Services. Despite my sadness and hopelessness, I did, strangely, find some peace with the newfound acceptance.
But one night, as I sobbed with elbows on my knees, face in my hands, my husband said to me, “Dawn, if a sculptor sculpted you right now, it would be entitled ‘Defeat’. When are you going to get mad and just will it away?” Easy for him to say, I thought. But he’s right. Defeat means that the enemy has won. The loss of hope is detrimental to our health. I did still have a spark inside me somewhere that wanted to fight. Now my mind knew that but how do I convince my heart? How do I make that spark a raging fire? I prayed that God would bring hope and strength back into my life.
God has ways of showing us the answer to prayer if we’re open to looking for it. I was overwhelmed this week by images of children in need. I also heard heartbreaking stories of women in the Congo who have gone through unspeakable horrors. There is true suffering in this world that we will never understand, but one thing is for sure…
I. Do. Not. Suffer.
I am going to fight. I am going to pray and do whatever I can to not let this disease defeat me. But if I have to spend some days in a scooter, then so be it. It’s just more comfortable to sit sometimes. And life from two feet lower is still so good.
So, friends and family, please mark my words. Hold me to it. God may hear me complain but I hope you never will.
” Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
3 comments:
hey Dawn,
It must be one of life's great ironies that we cannot see in ourselves what other see in us. Because from where I stand, you have the strength of a thousand women. Whether you are standing, walking with a cane, or whizzing by on some pimped out scooter you exude strength and determination. This will not break you. It may distract you and bring you to your knees when you face reality. But facing the truth can only make you stronger and inspire others to be strong and truthful in who they are. Just because others suffer that does not make your pain any less poignant and real. But pain will not break you----you will always be a force to be reckoned with. love you baby! Mc
Hi Dawn,
Caprice here...I happen to love the "Blog" idea.. I have one with my 11 girl friends (friends since Jr high). Even though we all still live in town and see eachother regularly..It's just another way for us to act like were still in high school.LOL!! The Blog page we have is set up so if you someone comments on it everyone who logs in sees it. I'm not sure if yours is set up the same way. If it is it would be cool way for all the families to stay connected since were all so far apart. Let me know if Your parents/ marilyn and "Bob the builder" read the blog and I'll start boring you all with whats going on here in Jersey.(maybe we should have a family blog)
On another note... the kids are adorable! Wish you were closer so they could jam with the big boys...Well hang in there and remember God doesn't give us more then we can handle...XO Caprice
PS Can we post pictures?
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Fragmentadora de Papel, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://fragmentadora-de-papel.blogspot.com. A hug.
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