It's been a while since I wrote my heroic "No-complaining" blog. Honestly, I was hoping that leaving that statement would help it to linger in my life. Not so much. Gosh, did I really think I'd stop complaining?
I still try to remember that in the grand scheme of things, I am tremendously blessed. But in the context of my little world, I am challenged and frustrated.
My MS continues to progress and has now moved into my hands. I look into the future and worry that I won't be able to get around by myself much longer. I'm losing my ability to operate independently more and more each day.
I'm angry that there is no medicine on the horizon for those with primary progressive MS. Each year the MS Society raises money for research and "hope for a cure" and I can't help but roll my eyes at that anymore. Please. I'm losing my "hope for a cure". My sweet brother walks 50 miles every year and raises thousands of dollars. I've been diagnosed almost 11 years and I guess I just don't realistically see anything being solved.
It would be so much easier to give up. Maybe I don't want to try to eat right and exercise and try alternative therapies anymore. But then... what would happen?
What happens when you give up? Loss of hope. And there's no chance of improvement if your mind has declared it so. I look into the eyes of my child and I'm ashamed I ever considered giving up. I wish I could say that I never once let that thought cross my mind. But I'm tired. I'm just really really tired.
Today I'm allowing myself to feel pitiful. I feel sorry for myself today and I am mourning the loss of health. Tomorrow, I'll watch this video again and look into the eyes of my child and continue on. What choice is there?
